Now, I'm sure you've all seen Bridget Jones' Diary, but this went above and beyond. Third down the list was the very legitimate "spoiling yourself during a season for giving". It began innocently, with not just a mere manicure but a whole day at the spa! I was feeling pretty good about myself until it dramatically switched gears. Right after a relaxing massage by hot swedish masseuse, it suggested doing all those things that apparently, couples don't have time for but wish they had, like putting up shelves, and installing a new toilet.
What?
If I get what they're saying, then I should be ecstatic with the prospect of cleaning the bathroom blinds instead of snuggling up beside Shaw's fireplace on channel 1 (or 11, depending if you want the silent fire or the realistic crackling with Christmas music) on the skin of a bear my manly man slaughtered himself.
Romantic sleigh ride through central park followed by candelight dinner and mediocre sex? Scratch that you unfortunate lovers! I'm spending a wild night in knocking back a few and playing myself in chess on the new Liatorp Ikea coffee table I've spent hours assembling. God I'm a lucky, lucky woman.
To top it off, last week a magazine entitled "2" came in the mail, a literary treasure trove of ways to become even more of a couple, and how not to get fat and ugly now that you're in one. Thanks Canada Post, you've done it again. What would three single gals do without you?
Contained in the pages of this tell-all Garden of Eden-style Cosmopolitan were useful answers to questions such as:
And of course the commonly sought:
Hello?! Your husband is gay!
The remaining pages are filled with pictures of models acting like upper East side Jewish couples and advertisements for making your teeth really, really white. I'd say bah humbug, but I can't lie, I always wish for a white Christmas.
