What are there, why are, and other super google-able questions

I have recently discovered the most useful part of google: the suggestion tool.
This tool crops up when you begin writing a sentence in google and narrows down the searches as you complete it.
For instance, typing in "nutcracker" will give you the following options in google.ca:

nutcracker toronto
nutcracker ballet
nutcracker sweet
nutcracker vancouver
nutcracker montreal
nutcracker suite
nutcracker calgary
nutcracker esophagus
nutcracker syndrome
nutcracker ottawa

Disregarding the uneducated who made a grievous spelling error three lines down, there are only two rather unorthodox suggestions (I'm referring here to esophagus and syndrome, unless some Family Feud visionary thinks two of the five mentioned Canadian cities are the odd ones out in this category).
I then tried typing in "why are there" and received the following in the number 1 position:

why are there school

.......................................................................................................................

Was that a rhetorical question? I don't even have words.

Lastly, but most certainly not least, I put in "what are" and got the best answer thus far this evening:

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad


This so completely boggled my mind that anyone would need the answer to this question, that I followed the link through. What I found was more than I bargained for. Apparently "What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!" is the title of a book by one Vanessa Feltz.
Since the link had brought me to Amazon, I went ahead to see if this gem had any reviews. And did it.


Review by M. Thompson, "A Helpful Guide", July 25, 2009
I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa!

It would have been a five star rating, but it fails to explain the smell of brimstone whenever I open this book, or the man in clown makeup tied up in my basement. (Was the makeup there before I tied him up, or did I apply it? This question keeps me up at night) Still: if you have similar problems, this book is for you.

Review by C. Jenkins, "Amazing cornecopia of information useful for survival", July 28, 2009
First of all, a warning. This book is packed with such useful and POWERFUL information, it should be approached with caution. Amazon has not provided a synopsis, and rightly so. I attempted to download a summary to my computer and my monitor EXPLODED. Normally, I would complain to the author and demand a refund, but the mere opportunity to witness this miracle of written word is payment for my loss ten times over.

In addition to the eternal question "What are these strawberries doing on my nipples?", you'll also learn life saving information, such as answers to questions like "Should I be concerned that an as of yet unidentified rodent species has taken up residence in my colon?" Additionally, you'll find instructions including battle tactics, suggested weaponry and equipment, and other fun facts for assailing the lost city of Atlantis to wrest control from the resident Merlords, giving you an access to a rare element that is known to give chewing gum viagra-like properties (for Asians and Serbs only, unfortunately). I save further examples for fear of your safety.

The only negative I can give about this book is the fact that reaching the end of it will give you an intense sadness. The only parallel I can construct for the amount of sorrow this will cause is to beseech you to imagine yourself as a T-rex in a room full of T-ball poles and large soapy bubbles. Your stubby arms would render the pleasure-power of this room woefully out of reach. Only the strong-willed should undertake reading this book.




If, upon reading them, you have the need for another dose of utter euphoria, there is a third waiting for you, right here.